Mixed Messages Pt 5
I have finally reached a place of knowing I was truly in need of a Savior and it had nothing to do with me being good enough. I had to surrender my old belief system completely. It had failed me over and over again. There is a saying “hurt people, hurt people”, and I have repeatedly hurt people including myself.
God has a way of getting our attention. Lost relationships and friends were not enough to get my attention. The stronger the denial and justification, the longer the behavior persists. I had to experience the reality of knowing the brokenness from my mixed messages was leading me to wishing for death to release me from my way of living. This reality culminated to thinking death would be better than to continuing to live the way I was living, and the result of this was my marriage crumbling under the weight of my double life. I did not choose the mixed messages but it was now time for me to take full responsibility for my response, reactions, and following of those messages.
“A changed heart will produce a changed life. A transformed heart will produce a transformed life.” This is what I continue to teach myself and repeat in my mind. To be known in a loving, healthy relationship, particularly a marriage, is the blessing from applying the messages and lessons of a life of transparency, authenticity, intimacy, accountability, integrity, and vulnerability. From the ashes of lust God has turned my worst into His best.
From this place of heartfelt sorrow and brokenness God displayed a new belief system in my heart…
Man reaching up to God
Man working as a means
Man keeping rules, regulations, traditions
God reaching down to me
God paying the price for sin with salvation by grace
God releasing me from bondage and giving me freedom
My belief and view in my spirituality and faith in God is a direct relation of how I view myself and other people. My relationship with God has changed how I viewed and treated myself, which in turn has changed how I view and treat people. From lust, selfishness, and control to letting-go, trusting, and love. The consequence of me taking responsibility, surrendering, and removing my mask was my wife bestowing me with grace, mercy, and forgiveness. She did this not because I deserve it, but because of who God is.
I learned how to lead with my heart and not let my heart lead me because eventually my heart will lie to me. I learned that my bride will never be able to meet all my needs. In fact it's unfair to her and puts too much pressure on our marriage to think that she can. I learned that it's hard to remain upset, hold resentment, or be angry with my spouse while actively investing in my marriage. I learned that God purposely put me with my bride. He is allowing two sinners, flawed and broken individuals, to come together and die to one another in order to draw closer to Him; to truly become one flesh.
I learned God's love covers all sins, shortcomings, and regrets. My pride, ego, and shame will stop me from growing as a man and not strengthen my marriage if I don't surrender and trust daily. I will have to give accounts before God for my role in my marriage. I want to please Him more than I want to please my spouse. In doing so He has blessed me by drawing me closer to my bride. He has blessed me far more than I deserve. So I say to the Future Man: our habits shape who we are and our words must be consistent with our actions over the course of time. If I’m doing the right thing for the wrong reason, I’m going to end up at the wrong place. I have to have initiative and in taking that initiative I would like to share my life plan: