Mixed Messages Pt 4
Learning the application of transparency, authenticity, intimacy, accountability, integrity, and vulnerability in relationships and ultimately in my marriage came at a cost. For me that price of admission was pain, loss, suffering, heartfelt sorrow, brokenness, and the death of an image. The words I have just defined do not reflect or describe pornography, lust, sex, or orgasms. The messages that they send are not mixed or confusing; it's simply a message of love and acceptance.
The problem with pornography is not that it shows you so much, but that it shows you so little. Pornography implanted in my brain is an obsession of fantasy. It did not show me how to be selfless but instead it manifested more selfishness. Lust filled me with a surge of dopamine, but in the end left me feeling depleted and unfulfilled. Sex was the target, but emptiness hit the bull’s-eye. Orgasms where the goal but shame, despair, and being unknown were the rewards.
The greatest gift I have is failing. It’s a necessary thing. I would never let go of my deceived self because going through the brokenness and the awakening made me better. Back then if I was happy, mad, glad or sad--lust and sex were my go to drug. The thinking I had strapped to my heart and running through my brain was as follows: seeking sympathy, victim thinking, instant gratification, God doesn’t want me to be miserable, blaming, uniqueness, everybody’s doing it, anger, my way, the “good one”, hop-over, reckless attitude, minimizing, exaggerations, manipulation, denial, misrepresenting intentions, motives, desires, and emotions. To stay in the shadows and supply the mixed messages had become my belief system.
In life, you don’t rule your beliefs—your beliefs rule you and being unaware of this fact makes you dangerous. Regardless of how badly you want to live according to truth, if you have wrong thinking, then your actions will be inconsistent with your heart. A changed heart will produce a changed life. A transformed heart will produce a transformed life.